Nightmares and Dreams
by ankaz123
Summary: My version of post-Mockingjay. Katniss and Peeta continue their lives in Twelve, surviving in a world where the Games still exist. Plagued by nightmares and challenged by their dreams, they face life. Suck at summaries. JUST READ! :
1. Chapter 1

**Nightmares and dreams. **

**A/N: Hey Hunger Games fans! This is my first HG fic. I recently saw the movie (which is amazing), and I'm going through a HG phase. **

**So let me set the scene. This is set after Mockingjay. The Rebellion government has fallen and another power has taken over control. They aren't as terrible as Snow's regime- allowing some freedoms like travel and access to the resources that each district collects. However, this new power has brought back the Hunger Games however, but this time Capitol children must also participate. They don't care much about Peeta and Katniss and their roles in the Rebellion, leaving them to their lives, but making them mentor the tributes from 12. Oh and yes, Peeta and Katniss **_**are **_**married. **

**Please enjoy and review! **

…**. _**

Chapter 1:

"_No Katniss! Come back! Where are you? Please come back! Where are you!" _

Peeta's terrified pleas wake me with a start. The morning light filters through the translucent curtains and I see him trashing around in the bed, his face contorted into a scared frown. He reaches out his arm and gives a pained cry, even in this weak light, I can see a tear rolling down his cheek.

Even though my nights are plagued with nightmares just as bad, its always worse when I see Peeta experiencing his own. I hate it, I hate seeing him like this. My heart aches when I hear his terrified cries as he screams out, sometimes it's to ward off the muttations or tracker-jackers that hunt him, but mostly it's for me, he cries out to me. Those cries are sharper than any arrow. I sit up in the bed and gently shake his arm, trying to rouse him.

"Peeta!" I exclaim, squeezing his arm tightly "wake up! Wake up!"

He wakes up with a gasp, sitting up and breathing heavily, his forehead shiny with sweat. When he looks at me, I can see the fear plainly in his eyes.

"Katniss", he whispered gently, looking me over as if trying to establish whether I am real or not.

"It was just a dream", I tell him soothingly, resting one hand on his upper arm and the other on his thigh "everything is fine, you were just dreaming".

"I was stuck in the Cornucopia" he whispered fearfully, "I was stuck inside and I could hear wolves howling", he chokes on a sob, threatening to escape him. "You were screaming somewhere in the distance, you were screaming my name and I didn't know what to do!".

I pull him into a hug and he rests his head on my shoulder as he erupts into heavy violent sobs. This has become a nightly occurrence for the past couple of weeks. I don't know what's brought it on, but his nightmares have been increasing in intensity, always ending with tears. It pains me to be so helpless. The only thing I can do is wake him, pull him from the terror, back into the real world, and comfort him when he cries.

"It was just a dream" I whisper, stroking his blond hair, hugging him tighter. "Nothing has happened, I'm still here, I'm ok".

He pulls away and nods, sniffling as he wipes the tears from his eyes. His shirt is wet with sweat and his hands still tremor as he raises his arm to readjust his metal leg. I rise from the bed and walk over until I am standing in front of him.

"C'mon" I hold out my hand to him, giving him a gentle loving smile "let's get you cleaned up". He takes my hand and I lead him into the adjoining bathroom. He pulls of his soaked shirt and pants and steps into the small shower while I get him a towel and lay out clothes for him. Apart from these little things, I feel helpless. There is nothing else I can do for him. Nightmares aren't curable, especially not for victors. Nightmares come with the title, a plague that haunts any winner. They are always worse leading up to the Games. Peeta hates having to mentor tributes. It is his good, pure heart and his loving nature that makes it worse- he hates seeing the children die. Every year, he becomes close to the two District 12 tributes and every year, he must watch them die. Over the years, the nightmares have become a ritual.

It's two weeks before this year's Reaping. Every time a child enters the bakery, I can see Peeta go white with anxiety. Is this the child he will watch die this year? Is this the child he will send to their deaths. I don't discuss it with him because he just ends up in a rage, instead I hug him, comfort him with kisses and caresses and it seems to work. I feel his heart slow down and his muscles relax- well until the next child walks in. It is a bakery after all.

"Katniss?" Peeta calls out quietly.

"I'm in here" I reply, walking over to the bathroom door with a loving smile. He has put on the fresh clothes and his blonde hair is dripping with water as he looks up at me. I still see the distress in his blue eyes. Reaching up, I take his face in my hands, using my thumbs to rub his cheeks, I look deeply into his eyes, searching them.

"Everything is ok" I tell him firmly. "I'm fine. Nothing has happened to me and nothing will. It will all be ok!"

"I know" he whispers, looking down at the floor "but it always seems so…_real_. It just makes me think it's happening. That you're in danger".

In reply, I sigh and pull him into a tight hug. I don't know what else to do. We both know that drugs do not work- prolonging the nightmares. If the roles were reversed, I know Peeta would do the same for me- comfort me and protect me. This is how we cope, simply embrace and try and push past the pain.

"I don't want to do it anymore Katniss" he sighed heavily, pulling away and looking down at his hands.

"Do what?" I raise an eyebrow.

"I don't want to be a mentor, I don't want to have to teach those children how to die".

"We're not doing that!" I tell him.

"Yes we are" he replies plainly, "we are simply send them off to their deaths. After us, there haven't been any District 12 victors, none have survived past the first night".

I cannot reply. I do not know what to say- partly because what he is saying the absolute truth. Peeta and I were an exception, without each other, we wouldn't have won our Games. Yes, District 12 have always been the underdogs of the Games, but even after we were made famous, our District hasn't been able to pull up a decent tribute to win. But I'm also stumped because I have never heard Peeta so defeated. That is usually my role. He is the strong and optimistic one, he manages to see the positive in almost any situation. The Games have taken their toll on him. It's like Haymitch, a man who became so defeated and overwhelmed by the effect of the Games that he turned to alcohol to help him through the pain, to help him live another day. I fear for Peeta. That the horror and terror of the Games will take him away from me. That one day, he will wake up, not the same person.

Peeta senses this change in me and squeezes my hand, giving me a weak smile.

"C'mon" he tells me, standing "we better get going" he pulls me up.

"Are you sure you're ok?" I look deep into his bright blue eyes, giving him a look of concern.

He gives a breezy laugh and nods slightly "Don't worry about me Mrs Mellark, I'll be just fine".

My heart seems to settle and I give a nod. I always relax when he calls me 'Mrs Mellark', I never get sick of hearing it, it's something that I love listening to, it just rolls off the tongue…_Mrs Mellark….Mrs Mellark. _

Peeta reaches out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and strokes my cheek before leaning in and planting a small kiss on the tip of my nose.

"I love you" he whispers.

"I love you" I tell him.

Now, _that's _something I'll _never _get sick of hearing.

…..

Waking up, I immediately feel nauseous. My head is spinning and my stomach feels like its sitting in my throat, ready to make an appearance at any given moment.

I turn and see Peeta lying on his side, a slight frown pasted on his features, his blond hair ruffled, evidence he has been tossing and turning during the night. Every so often, he opens his mouth and murmurs some inaudible words. I decide to let him be and slowly rise from the bed, my head immediately starting to throb in intolerable pain. I reach out and lean on the nearest solid surface, which I see to be a nightstand. I don't know what has brought this on and I stumble over to the bathroom before emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. But because my stomach is empty, sickly green bile rises, leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Slowly standing, I walk over to the sink and gargle with a large glass of water. My head still hurts, but I feel slightly relieved after throwing up. As I walk back into the bedroom, I see Peeta starting to stir and as I sit down, he looks up at me and smiles slightly.

"Morning" he says gently.

"Morning" I sigh, lying back down on the bed.

"Are you ok?" he asks, the worry immediately filling his voice.

"Just feeling a little green", I reply, resting a palm on my forehead. "I just threw up and my head is spinning", I explain closing my eyes.

"What is it?" he asks, propping himself up on his side, reaching out and stroking my hair gently, "do you want me to get you something? Fetch the doctor?".

Letting out a small laugh, I turn to him with a smile "I'll be alright, I was munching on some bark yesterday while out hunting, I don't think its agreeing with my stomach".

"Ok" he nods slowly, unconvinced with my response "how about you stay in bed today and I'll go fetch the doctor for you".

"I'm fine!" I tell him with a smile, slapping away his hand playfully. "It's probably just a one day stomach bug thing".

Taking my hand and giving it a small kiss he nods and gets up, ripping off his pyjamas and dressing himself in his work shirt and pants.

"I have to get into the bakery" he explains ruefully "if you need _anything_, no matter how small or stupid, _call me, _I'll be here in heartbeat!" he tells me firmly, but I can feel the loving concern in his tone.

"I know" I whisper, nodding.

He walks over and plants a small kiss on my lips before turning and walking out. As I watch him leave I smile contently to myself, grateful to have such a loving man in my life. My stomach? Not so much. I barely make it to the toilet before the bile makes its reappearance.

…

A couple of hours later, I'm walking towards the small doctor's office in town. Each district has been granted two doctors after the new government came to power. Apart from bringing back the Games, they actually seem to care about the people of Panem- well to some extent. Today its Doctor Messah, and he gives me a small smile as I enter the small surgery he's been assigned. Its empty, so he ushers me into his small examination room straight away, showing me to the seat opposite his desk.

"How are you today, Mrs Mellark?" he asked, settling down and looking at me through his glasses.

I explain to him my lovely morning vomiting ordeal, not forgetting to mention the dizzy spells.

He frowns slightly, doing all sorts of tests, I assume he's taking my temperature as he sticks something into my ear. Then he pulls out a weird looking contraption and presses it to my chest, and I can hear the steady sound of my heartbeat as its projected out from the thing.

He sighs and sits down, I can see the perplexity in his eyes. He looks down at my notes and sighs again.

"You don't know what it is, do you?" I smile wryly.

"Everything seems normal!" he exclaims, shrugging his shoulders.

Now it is my turn to sigh, I can feel my stomach begin to turn again…..

"There is only one thing I can think of…" Dr Messah speaks after a moment of awkward silence.

I raise my eyebrows expectantly at him.

He clears his throat before crossing his arms and leaning onto the table in front of him, embarrassment flashing in his dark eyes.

"When was the last time you….", he sighs heavily…..."_bled". _

My eyes open wide in bewilderment. In fact I hadn't really been focusing on that. With all these issues going on with Peeta, and just our busy lives in general, it's just drifted to the back of my mind. Dr Messah picks up on my hesitation and smiles knowingly.

"Mrs Mellark" he grins "I think you might be pregnant".

**Well that's the first chapter folks! Let me know what you thought! **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

….

….

"What?" I whisper in disbelief.

"You're having a baby" Dr Messah tells me again, the smile still playing on his lips.

"But….." I gasp. I never thought about children. I guess that my whole life I've wanted to avoid the notion of kids, especially with the Games back now. I feel a pang of fear inside my stomach.

Dr Messah must've sensed my reluctance so he looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you alright Katniss?" he asks with concern.

I look up at him, confusion and fear in my eyes. "I'm….fine" I tell him softly.

"You seem very…..troubled" he says.

"I'm fine" I shake my head and paste a fake smile on my face. "Are you _sure_?", I ask, almost pleadingly. Somewhere deep down I don't want this child. I don't want my offspring to have to be a part of the Games- to possibly go through that torture. To die for entertainment. I don't want to bring a baby into _this _world.

"I am certain" he replies with a firm nod. "It seems the only plausible explanation for your symptoms. There are of course, further testing to be done- to confirm my diagnosis".

"Ok" I nod, looking down at my hands.

"I'm sure Peeta will be very excited!" Dr Messah smiles brightly.

That pang of fear gets even stronger when Peeta's name is mentioned. I don't even want to think about how he will react to the news. Deep down I _know _that I'm pregnant. That I am having Peeta's child. But I don't want to have a baby, I feel guilty about how Peeta will react to my feelings about this. Peeta understands how I feel about having babies- that I don't want to raise children in this world, in this society. I don't want to get rid of the baby inside, I don't want to kill this life, I could never do that. I want to undo this, to stop myself getting pregnant. Suddenly I feel angry with myself. That Peeta and I weren't more careful. That we didn't do anything to prevent this from occurring. I feel deep hate start to take over the fear.

"Katniss?" Dr Messah brings my out of my thoughts, looking at me with expectantly.

"Sorry!" I paste a fake smile on my lips. "I'm just so surprised about this news".

"It's a lot to take in" he nods "you need to go tell your husband and deal with this news together. In these times, having a child is a lot to take in", he gives me an understanding look and a small smile.

I stand and give my thanks to the Doctor before leaving and walking slowly towards the Bakery. I still feel uneasy from this morning, but the emotions from the doctors diagnosis have taken over.

_A baby! _My own child. A life growing inside of me. 

My emotions are in turmoil. One part of my wants a child, a life that is half me and half Peeta. Having a child would bring so much joy to him. It's what he's always wanted. A child, someone to love and to cherish as much as he does me. How can I deny him this one thing? How can I crush his hopes and dreams?

Mindlessly, I find myself walking towards the bakery. I see a woman, I think her name is Elana, I see her sometimes at the market. Her four children surround her and she carries the smallest, an infant no older than 6 months, on her hip. Looking at her makes me feel so….troubled. How can a woman so easily and _carelessly_ bring five children into the world, knowing what could happen to them, how they could be killed in the Games? How does she do it? Every pregnancy must be so heartbreaking for her. So how can I do the same thing?

The children stand next to their mother, peering excitedly at the array of cakes and pastries that are displayed in the glass window. Their eyes are wide with a mix of hunger and amazement, I can almost see their mouths water. Peeta passes Elana a single loaf wrapped in brown paper. Even from a distance I can see it's only a simple wholemeal loaf, the cheapest thing Peeta sells. Peeta gives her a warm smile before she walks out, her children following her dutifully. Peeta says something and the last child, probably about 4 years old, looks back. Peeta holds out a small paper bag to the little girl. Instantly I recognise it as a bag of cookies- probably Peeta's delicious oatmeal and berry ones, freshly baked and probably still warm. The girl hesitates and Peeta holds it out even further, his smile growing wider and more encouraging. She quickly grabs it and scampers on after her mother, hiding the bag under her jacket as she runs.

A small smile grows on my face as my admiration for my husband wells inside me. This is why I love him so much. He looks out for everyone. He especially loves the little children, not afraid to give them a little something extra to ensure their wellbeing. I know that he would make an amazing father…he would love, cherish and protect our baby with his whole self.

"Katniss!" Peeta's shout brings me out of my thoughts. He has noticed me and runs out from behind the counter and out into the street towards me. I plaster a smile on my lips and look at him.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, concern etched on his features as he wraps an arm around my waist and leads me into the bakery.

"Can't I visit my own husband at work?" I reply sarcastically.

"How are you feeling?", he looks me over, a frown forming on his eyebrows.

"I'm fine!" I sigh exasperatedly, pushing away his arms.

"You weren't _fine _this morning!" he replies sarcastically.

"I feel better now", I pout, jumping up onto the counter and giving him a small cheeky smile.

He can't help but grin and he walks over to me, leaning up and kissing me deeply on the lips. I run my fingers through his wavy blonde hair as I feel his arms wrap around my lower back.

"Mmmm" I shudder with happiness. We break apart and he looks at me, his bright blue eyes glistening brightly, as they do when he is happy.

"Are you sure you're ok?" he looks deeply into my eyes, searching them for the truth.

I pause for a moment, hesitant, unsure whether to tell Peeta about what happened in Dr Messah's office…..but I decide not to. After all….Dr Messah said that it hasn't been confirmed, right? No need to worry him if it might not even be true. Somehow I manage to convince myself with this pathetic excuse and reply: "Yes! I'm fine!".

This seems to satisfy him and he nod, taking my hand and pulling me gently down from the counter.

"I'm only staying open till 5" he tells me, squeezing my hands. "Then I'll be home to take care of you".

I roll my eyes and grin, not bothering to reply. He returns the cheeky smile plants a small kiss on my forehead.

"I love you" he whispers.

"I love you too" I reply softly.

Peeta returns to his place behind the bench and hands me a basket of bread. I usually go around making deliveries for Peeta, to people like Greasy Sae and all the other elderly or just busy people who aren't able to come into the shop personally. Giving him one final smile, I take the basket and make my way to my first stop- an older woman called Marianta. She is in her early sixties, but she lives too close to the mines and has developed a lung condition from all the smoke and dust. She rarely leaves her house and can't speak two sentences without throwing a coughing fit. I like to sit with her for an hour or so and help around, clean her house, do some cooking and just talk to her about life in Twelve outside her four walls. She always orders a loaf of fruit and seed bread and two cheese rolls. She has a warm and friendly smile, one that reminds me of Effie- always bright and bubbly and looking for the positives.

Today I knock on her door and she greets me with a toothless smile. She looks a little paler and a small cough escapes her as she ushers me into her tiny kitchen. Placing her order down on the table I clear her breakfast plates and rinse them off in the sink as she pulls out a knife and slices the bread.

"Mmm" she smiles as she chews. "Thank your husband- another wonderful loaf" she grins, taking another bite.

"They always are" I reply with a smile.

I turn around and return to the sink, using a cloth to wipe down the bench. Suddenly I hear a sharp gasp. I turn and look at Marianta, who has gone even paler, her eyes wide.

"What is it?" I demand, walking closer.

"My dear" she quietly speaks "you're bleeding", she points down to my brown pants, twisting my neck, I look down and see a large dark red spot on the crotch of my pants.

The fear immediately pangs in my stomach. The baby!

…

…..

….

**Hey guys! So that's the latest chapter! Hope you all like it. **

**Thanks to those who **_**have **_**reviewed, but I got quite a few emails alerting me to people who have favourited this story or added it to their alerts. That indicates that you are indeed interested in the fic and liking it. PLEASE PLEASE, PLEASE! REVIEW! They mean so much to me and let me know that someone out there is actually appreciating my work. PLUS it's a great way to give me feedback and give me ideas for future chapters. **

**Ok, so rant over, please enjoy! **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

….

I have lost it for sure. The baby inside me is dead. No more.

I start to tremble, feeling the onset of tears.

Marianta looking at me with worry, walks towards me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Darling…" she coaxes. I cannot help but look at her, frozen, with fear filling my body.

"You're just a little early" she gives a reassuring, friendly smile. "Happens to women all the time- nothing to be ashamed of".

She doesn't understand. She just thinks I've got my period, she doesn't know what this could _mean._ I give a numb nod, clutching the bench for support. My mind immediately flies to Peeta….Peeta! What will be do when he learns that I lost his unborn child? Hate me? Despise me? Never look at me again? Divorce me? I swallow heavily as a small tear wells in my eye.

"I have to go" I whisper. Still trembling, I leave Marianta's house and make my way numbly back to Doctor Messah's office. I want to know _why! _Why my body hates me so! Why I lost the one thing dear to Peeta. Why this happened! As I open the door, he is sitting in his office, writing. He looks up, clearly surprised to see me again, a small forming.

"Katniss!" he greets me. "What are you doing back here so soon!". But I see his eyes change as soon as he sees the tears rolling down my cheek. A concerned frown creasing his forehead.

"What is it?" he asks gently.

Wordlessly, I simply turn, revealing the blood on my pants. In the deadly silence, I hear his small gasp. He stands and walks to the cupboard in the corner of the room and pulls out a thin cotton gown for me to put on.

After I am changed, he pulls out various instruments and begins his testing. But I'm not paying attention, I can't help replaying it all in my head. I should've told Peeta about the baby. I should've allowed him that moment of happiness..

NO! Maybe it's better this way. He will not have to endure the pain, he doesn't even need to know that there ever was a baby. That way, his heart remains intact and he doesn't need to suffer the pain and the loss. Yes! Its decided. I will not tell Peeta anything. Dr Messah can just give me something to stop the pain and then it's back to normal. This whole episode will never have happened. I will be the one to bear the pain.

"Katniss?" Dr Messah interrupts my thoughts, I can tell by this frown that he's might've been trying for a while to get my attention.

"Is it dead" I ask flatly, staring at the ground.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to admit you into hospital" he frowns, rising and taking off his gloves.

"What?" I demand, also rising, sitting up on the exam bed.

"I haven't got the equipment to make a proper diagnosis" he replies "in hospital, I'll be able to find out the cause of this bleeding".

"The baby is dead" I tell him harshly. "What else could this be?"

He shakes his head "there are many possible explanations. Maybe you were never pregnant. Maybe it is just a little blood- sometimes blood appears even though the woman is pregnant. We do not have to jump immediately to the worst possible conclusion" he gazes at he knowingly.

I avert my eyes to avoid his gaze and return to staring at the floor.

"Do you want me to call Peeta for you?" he asks gently.

"No!" I exclaim, looking up sharply, giving him my sternest frown. "He doesn't know yet. I don't want to worry him".

Dr Messah opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it, pressing his lips together and giving a curt nod.

_Its dead. It's gone. It's not alive. _

….

A couple of hours later I'm sitting in an armchair in my hospital room, staring mindlessly out the window. A Mockingjay flutters over and lands in the nearby tree, looking closely I can see it has a nest.

_Great! So everyone has babies except for me. _

"Katniss?", a man, about 40 years old with greying brown hair and a friendly smile looks at me expectantly.

"My name is Doctor Jains" he holds out his hand, which I shake. "How are you feeling?".

I shrug my shoulders in reply and return my gaze to the mockingjay's nest. He senses my reluctance and disinterest and sits down opposite me, clutching his papers in his right hand.

"This must be a lot to take in" he continues gently. I can sense an almost childish tone and immediately feel resentment creeping up. I hate people patronising me.

"We've done all the tests are just waiting on results. Do you need anything? Food? Water? I can ask one of the nurses to call your husband for you?" I can feel his eyes burying into me. He _wants _me to call Peeta.

I look up at him with my stern scowl and shake my head. "I will do that" I tell him "when I'm ready".

"You shouldn't be going through this alone", he pushes, maintaining the patronising tone. "I'm sure your husband wants to be here with you, to help you through this".

"I will do it" I repeat firmly "when I'm ready!"

Dr Jains sighs and nods, standing up. "I will return in a little while when your results are back" he tells me before walking out.

Somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach I do feel guilt. This man is simply trying to help. But he doesn't understand, doesn't know the pain. Doesn't know how Peeta will take the news. But I do.

I feel empty. Now I want the baby. I want a child of my own, a little life to hold and cherish. I want a family with Peeta, I want to be happy with him and our child. But that is gone, that dream doesn't exist anymore. And I hate myself. I hate that I resented the baby. I hate that I wanted it gone. This is just life punishing me. Life is giving me exactly what I wanted.

But I'm used to the pain. Katniss Everdeen- the girl who won a Hunger Games, who started a war, got her own district blown up, lost her beloved sister, watches two Tributes die every year….pain is second nature to me- almost like breathing. But this is different. I am mourning the loss of a life that I never saw, never got to experience…it is different this time. Before I know it, I feel tears start to trickle down my cheeks. I close my eyes, welcoming the darkness….hoping it will take me somewhere else but here..

…

…

…..

I wake up slowly, stirring, squinting as my eyes adjust to the bright light in the room. Someone has covered me in a blanket, but I find the room empty. Probably just one of the nurses. I stand and stretch out contently. But suddenly the memories of the day come flooding back and the emptiness once again fills my stomach. It is like a black hole, sucking me right in. I turn my head and look back out the window, focusing on the birds nest. I watch as the mother Mockingjay tends to the nest.

"Katniss?"

I immediately freeze. That voice… NO!

…..

**A/N: Hmm…was going to continue, but this is an excellent cliffhanger! I know this a little shorter, but please enjoy! **

**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! Plenty of you are adding the fic to your alerts or favourites, but not reviewing. As much as I appreciate the alert adds and the faves, I want reviews! I want to hear your feedback, after all, that is what truly motivates me to keep on writing! **

**Thanks guys. **


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